Satan smiles
"A terrible poem on the trials and tribulations of one poor soul"
Critics say "truly terrible" (the Guardian- of the gates of hell) "Worst thing I ever read" (the Mirror, in the bathroom)
Standing there he smiles at me,
all horned and red and mean as can be.
"Begone!" I cry "begone you beast!"
but it doesnt upset him in the very least.
"Im used to all these wails and cries."
he says as he stands there with his ghoulish smile.
"No ones pleased to see me any more"
he adds, brushing his forked tail on the floor.
"But Im here all the same.
Here to take you in my name."
"What's in it for me?" trembling, I ask
plucking courage in sips from my whisky flask.
"More money than you've ever seen,
and a hot new girlfriend who's barely 16.
She's a lovely girl with a great big rack,
and I'll even throw in a brand new cadillac,
and fame and glory, as much as you wish,
after all later on you'll be a tasty dish
for the demons and devils of hell to enjoy
-they always love playing with a brand new toy."
I pondered and thought for a second or two,
it didnt sound too bad but what was I to do?
"I understand we need to agree,
but I have to run, I'm desperate to wee
maybe we'll talk when Im back from the loo
but till then, its tarrah, and nice to meet you"
I said this nicely with a smile and a bow,
hoping to nip out and escape somehow.
He opened the door to the toilets for me,
and out I ran as quick as could be.
"Not so fast" he said and he grabbed my leg,
but I stomped on his fingers and kicked at his head.
he dropped to the ground with a groan and a thud,
and suddenly the toilets were covered with blood.
oh shit I killed him! I thought with alarm,
never mind, take deep breaths and try to stay calm.
i buried his body in the garden shed,
hope noone will find out that old Nick is dead.
Anyway its manslaughter, not murder, see?
After all he was the one that assaulted poor me.
So I killed him yes, but in self defence,
In the eyes of the law there's been no offence.
The devil's dead, i killed him you see,
and so far no come-back, i got away scot-free!
At night Im all horny and red and quite mean,
and my girl wants to know where the hell have I been.
we've just got together- she's really a dream!
But I cant tell her, she'll freak as she's only 16...
